Lately, I’ve been feeling good mentally. My mind feels active. I’m thinking about new ideas, new projects, and different directions I could take my creativity.
Physically, though, I don’t feel like my body is keeping up with how good my mind feels. I’m not active enough, and I know I could do better.
That’s something I’ve been thinking about more lately, especially because I have children. I want to be around for them. I want to take better care of myself because I have people depending on me.
At the same time, my mind keeps creating. I’ve been thinking about developing a video game. I’ve been thinking about rebranding my clothing line. I’ve also been thinking about writing something completely different from my novels and screenplays, possibly twelve or thirteen chapters about my own life.
I want to tell the truth. The things that happened to me, the mistakes I made, the things I went through, and how all of it shaped me into the man I am today.
Sometimes I wonder how different I might have been if certain things in my life had gone differently. I know I’m not a bad person. I know who I am, and I know my family and friends love me. I simply wonder how different parts of me might have developed under different circumstances.
Life happened the way it happened. Telling my story honestly could help explain how I became the man I am today.
I also understand that not everything I try is going to work. I wanted to create a men’s fragrance. I wanted to make cologne and build something out of it.
I can admit that it failed. I may not have been ready, or the timing may have been wrong. That doesn’t mean I’ll never come back to it. I just don’t want to pretend every idea I have will automatically become a success.
Rebranding is difficult too. Finding the right name, making sure it works, and trying to find something with a real chance of passing trademark review is a lot. I plan to work on that more next year.
I’m also working on a screenplay with dark comedy in it, and lately I’ve been thinking about abandoning it. I’ve had to accept that starting something doesn’t mean I have to force myself to finish it.
Some ideas work and some don’t. I have to decide what actually deserves my time.
Time is something I’ve thought about for a long time. This didn’t start when I turned 41. When I was around 22, 23, or 24, I was already getting depressed thinking about time and how fast life moves.
Now that I’m older, that clock feels even faster. Sometimes I feel like I’m on borrowed time.
Death itself isn’t what scares me. My biggest fear is leaving my children with nothing.
I don’t want them struggling through life wondering how they’re going to pay for college. I want them to be able to go to school without worrying about tuition. I want them growing up in peaceful neighborhoods. I want them to be able to travel the world.
I want them to hear good things when people mention their father’s name. I want them to know who I was. I also want whatever I build to become something their children can benefit from one day.
My real goal is generational wealth. To me, that means more than money sitting in an account.
I want to build something that continues after me. I want to leave behind books, stories, businesses, ideas, and a name they can be proud of. I want to build a foundation that gives them opportunities I might not have had.
That is what inheritance means to me.
Sometimes I worry that I started too late. I think about what my life could have looked like if I had access to the tools I have now when I was 22.
AI is a big part of that. I honestly believe that if I had this kind of technology back then, I might have been much further ahead by now.
I wonder if I would have started writing sooner, developed more ideas, or taken myself more seriously. I might already be closer to the place I’ve been trying to reach.
But I can’t go back. Thinking about that doesn’t make me want to quit. It motivates me.
I still have something to prove, and the person I need to prove it to is myself.
I want to prove that the person I always thought I could become is still possible. I want to prove that I’m capable of building something real. Starting later doesn’t have to mean starting too late.
The clock feels faster now, but I’m still here, thinking, creating, and trying.
I have something to prove to myself. I want to prove myself right.
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